Zoom TV alleges that US Homeland Security is in the Salman Khan camp

India’s premier news channel Zoom TV alleged that the SRK detention was the latest battle in the continuing war saga between the Salman and SRK camps. In an exclusive 5-hour news analysis, Zoom TV reported that the US customs and border protection authorities were squarely in the Salman camp. The two warring camps have been known to exclude each other from parties. The Zoom TV war correspondent deduced definitively that the US personnel were hardcore Salman loyalists given that they would not allow SRK to gate crash the American party. The Zoom reporter speculated on which Sallu camp-follower in the Homeland Security had managed to slip SRK’s name into the ‘exclude’ list. The Zoom reporter reassured the viewers that Sallu Bhai’s contacts are just as Dabangg as he is. The US security personnel were undoubtedly inspired by Chulbul Pandey’s callous attitude towards civil liberties.

The Zoom report went on to suggest that Suzanne Roshan who is in the Sharukh camp has pulled strings in the South Block in order to influence SM Krishna. SM Krishna promptly did the bidding of the powerful first wives club of Bollywood that includes Gauri Khan and Suzanne Roshan. Zoom’s exclusive sources revealed behind-the-scenes discussions between the club and Krishna. According to sources close to Gauri, the first wives told Krishna “We’ve seen many a temperamental celebrities, who routinely pick fights and habitually apologize.  US Customs has also merely mechanically apologized.  The first women insisted that the US apologize to SRK in Vivek Oberoi style – groveling with folded arms on a public platform.

When questioned about the veracity of the report the Zoom TV editor proudly claimed that “Our entire world-viewed is coloured by the Sharukh-Salman tiff. As long as there are warring Bollywood camps, there is order in the universe”.  Asked to comment on the war on terror, the Zoom editor pooh-poohed it, dismissing it as a media-creation. “People live in a make believe world” he said, shaking his head in disbelief.

Zoom TV viewers also pleaded ignorance when it came to the war on terror and claimed that the only war that they were aware of was the Khan war. “We appreciate the insightful analysis of the Zoom TV which offers a camp-based perspective of key national issues”, one viewer said. Critics also lauded the continued coverage of the Salman- Sharukh spat by the channel for years on end. “Considering the short attention span of the media, the unrelenting focus on the issue by the channel is indeed remarkable. This is especially true because media fatigue has set-in with regards to this issue”, one critic said. The endless follow up of the story demonstrates the channel’s commitment to increasing its TRP, the editor remarked.

A rival channel, while refusing to comment on the analysis said that the US personnel were “true Roadies”.


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2 Responses to Zoom TV alleges that US Homeland Security is in the Salman Khan camp

  1. Lord Chaos says:

    The Khan Camp-aign saga seems to have reached a stallmate, much to the agony of Zoom TV and its TRP boosting patrons…who much anticipated SRK to Gate-crash Sallu bhai’s party…so they cud have a SRK-Gate scandal… for it has indeed been a long time since any Gate-scandal has hit the cellulose newspapers and the celluloid televisions alike …what was even more surprising to the perpetual onlookers ( which in US, as in all present day civilized society, is inadvertently the middle class, for the poor don’t have the time to fancy these things and the rich don’t fancy to spend time on these things, and since the chances of my above statement being right, or atleast distantly coherent and sensible, is as good as Zoom TV editor admitting to the war on terror, I take my chances with comfortable delight!) is that Sallu bhai didn’t do a Nixon this time with Homeland Security in his pocket!!!..guess we wont get to see a Sallu-Gate scandal either…though the Camps have avoided any gate scandal…what they have instigated inturn , as was first telecasted in Zoom TV Late Night Show with Sunny Leone, is runup to the upcoming state caucas and primary…while the Democrats have roped in the desi-hunk dabaang chulbul pandey who was ‘Ready’ to accept this nomination.. the Republicans are endorsing the rich spoilt brat SRK who would ‘Don’ the mantle of the Caucas delegate at the National Republic Convention….while it is clear from both the Camps that both the candidates are leading in state primaries and caucuses to run for the Presidential election…but the question is… can either of them garner enough delegates till the end…recently kareena and Katrina who were seemingly elected from Sallu Bhai convention have turned Faithless Delegates… and have been spotted at the Republican fundraiser events…not to mention Aishwarya- once a staunch democrat loyalist ,is presently calling shots from Senator Bachan’s Republican camps…but what a renowned Poll Strategist of Zoom TV-Malaika Khan( another Khan, though related to Sallu Bhai,s camp, whose shot to fame was a ‘Poll Dance’ number ‘Mahi Ve’ ) forecasts- “ Though SRK is trailing behind Sallu by huge margin in the Popular Vote, given the historical trend , SRK has bagged the filmafare award 7 times while Sallu’s has done it only twice, which indicates the Electoral College political dynamics to swing in favor of SRK and the republicans, the Richie Rich Republicans have already been famous in the past for swinging the Pole Dynamics to their favor, even when the Popular Vote went to the Democrats- Remember Al Gore- Bush Presidential election! What it seems that green paper backs out of a piggybank can piggy back any pig to become a US President! “
    All said and done… only time will tell…who shall face the “Wrath of Khan”…..

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