India’s premier news channel Zoom TV alleged that the SRK detention was the latest battle in the continuing war saga between the Salman and SRK camps. In an exclusive 5-hour news analysis, Zoom TV reported that the US customs and border protection authorities were squarely in the Salman camp. The two warring camps have been known to exclude each other from parties. The Zoom TV war correspondent deduced definitively that the US personnel were hardcore Salman loyalists given that they would not allow SRK to gate crash the American party. The Zoom reporter speculated on which Sallu camp-follower in the Homeland Security had managed to slip SRK’s name into the ‘exclude’ list. The Zoom reporter reassured the viewers that Sallu Bhai’s contacts are just as Dabangg as he is. The US security personnel were undoubtedly inspired by Chulbul Pandey’s callous attitude towards civil liberties.
The Zoom report went on to suggest that Suzanne Roshan who is in the Sharukh camp has pulled strings in the South Block in order to influence SM Krishna. SM Krishna promptly did the bidding of the powerful first wives club of Bollywood that includes Gauri Khan and Suzanne Roshan. Zoom’s exclusive sources revealed behind-the-scenes discussions between the club and Krishna. According to sources close to Gauri, the first wives told Krishna “We’ve seen many a temperamental celebrities, who routinely pick fights and habitually apologize. US Customs has also merely mechanically apologized. The first women insisted that the US apologize to SRK in Vivek Oberoi style – groveling with folded arms on a public platform.
When questioned about the veracity of the report the Zoom TV editor proudly claimed that “Our entire world-viewed is coloured by the Sharukh-Salman tiff. As long as there are warring Bollywood camps, there is order in the universe”. Asked to comment on the war on terror, the Zoom editor pooh-poohed it, dismissing it as a media-creation. “People live in a make believe world” he said, shaking his head in disbelief.
Zoom TV viewers also pleaded ignorance when it came to the war on terror and claimed that the only war that they were aware of was the Khan war. “We appreciate the insightful analysis of the Zoom TV which offers a camp-based perspective of key national issues”, one viewer said. Critics also lauded the continued coverage of the Salman- Sharukh spat by the channel for years on end. “Considering the short attention span of the media, the unrelenting focus on the issue by the channel is indeed remarkable. This is especially true because media fatigue has set-in with regards to this issue”, one critic said. The endless follow up of the story demonstrates the channel’s commitment to increasing its TRP, the editor remarked.
A rival channel, while refusing to comment on the analysis said that the US personnel were “true Roadies”.