Rajasthan Police has decided to hire fiction writers from the Jaipur literature festival to author fictitious intelligence reports on imaginary assassins that would drive away authors, artists and thinkers from the country. The Rajasthan police earnestly asserted that it was their responsibility to keep the streets of India free from controversial ideas, prevent thought crimes and create space for violent opposition to contrarian ideas. The Rajasthan police acknowledged that the literature festival offered a skilled talent pool for hiring writers who could potentially fabricate intelligence reports.
Speaking to the media, a senior Rajasthan police officer Vichitrakatha proudly claimed, “We are streamlining our hiring process as we need a continuous source of talent to fabricate stories. Rajasthan Police is becoming a model for similar recruitment drives across other states. With this sort of talent we might even be able to move up the value chain and start registering fictitious FIRs”.
When questioned by the media on the concocted intelligence reports, the incensed officer retorted that it was his constitutional right to release reports that tragi-comically contort reality. While citing the constitution Vichitrakatha declared that the freedom of expression of the police is sacrosanct. He vehemently protested against any curbs on false reports. The officer called on the media to defend unto death the right of the police to release fictitious reports even if the media did not agree with the reports. The officer also hinted that he had the staunch backing of the political establishment as these fictitious script writers are absolutely essential to script farcical electoral victories by catering to imagined vote banks.
Sources informed the media that the recruitment favoured writers of the genre of magic realism. “Magically creating assassins out of thin air requires some imagination and talent. Moreover, our specious reports are at once both fantastical and real, therefore magic realist writers fit well with our requirements” confirmed Vichitrakatha. The officer also announced that a 50% quota is being given to writers across religions whose sentiments are easily hurt.
Some cash strapped states are also considering recruiting currently unemployed Ram Gopal Varma script writers. These writers who have the macabre imagination to conjure up assassins with underworld links are being considered as a secondary source of low cost talent besides authors. These script writers have the added advantage of being dialogue writers which is a skill that can be used to rouse the passions of assorted groups that have dangerously inflammable emotions and others that are prone to bouts of unexplained violence.
Elsewhere, the Indian government registered its protest in foreign capitals against the very existence of comedians, contending that their very presence hurt the delicate sentiments of Indians.