Twit who bought Tweeter shares tweets

In a case of investor mix-up, a twit bought shares of Tweeter and then proudly tweeted that he was one of the owners of Twitter. It was the ticker that tricked the poor twit, having bought TWTRQ where Q clearly stands for questionable judgement. Having failed to take a cue from the Q, he followed up by sharing a tweet expected of a twit:

Bought twitter shares even before it is being traded @Buffet watch out! #kingofstockmarket

His tweets were virally re-tweeted, with the twit getting his share of Twitter fame. He finally owned a share of twitter, limited though it was by the number of characters. Over-sharing does come with its share of benefits. When his 140-characters of fame was up, the twit took stock of his life and his stock portfolio. One of these two companies has a hugely inflated valuation and the other one is Twitter he concluded.

The twit managed to sell some of the Tweeter shares to re-twits, who hadn’t seemed to have gotten the re-tweets of the mistaken identity. The sale to the re-twits continued till the Financial Industry Regulatory Authority stepped in. The twit tweeted away his sorrow and ultimately made his peace with his share of re-tweets and the remaining shares of Tweeter that he was left with.
Elsewhere in a bizarre universe parallel universe – the anti-twitterverse universe, everybody was excited about the IPO of a retailer that sold tangible goods with a proven business model. In the fervour of its IPO, the stock of an obscure company that allows users to broadcast 140 characters into oblivion for free, was up by 2200%. The twit who bought twitter, fortunately suffered his indignity in private.

In the meanwhile, earnest analysts were taking stock of the same problem that the twit had mulled over and were trying to figure out the valuation of Twitter. There were some whispers of the viability of a business model where for all the Big Data that the users pass on to Big Brother, they will be rewarded with pesky promoted tweets urging you to buy stuff just because some algorithms are utterly convinced that you need the stuff in question.

Twitter is a celebrity/politician gaffe machine spewing pithy mis-judgements at regular intervals much to the delight of the twitterverse. The broader mainstream media is then inclined to meekly re-tweet these gaffes to a wider audience, drawing in more users to Twitter as people wish to stay abreast of the latest gaffes in tweet time. Mix these gaffe streams with pithy ads and you have a revenue stream. One analyst remarked, “Twitter has an ingenious business model of monetizing misjudgements”. Given human foibles and the questionable judgement of many twits, you can expect twitter to be a very profitable company. The analyst cited a stupendously large number that was not limited to 140 characters as the valuation of Twitter based on the cash flows from the collective gaffe streams of all the twits in the world, including and especially the ones that purchased the shares of Tweeter.

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Zoom TV alleges that US Homeland Security is in the Salman Khan camp

India’s premier news channel Zoom TV alleged that the SRK detention was the latest battle in the continuing war saga between the Salman and SRK camps. In an exclusive 5-hour news analysis, Zoom TV reported that the US customs and border protection authorities were squarely in the Salman camp. The two warring camps have been known to exclude each other from parties. The Zoom TV war correspondent deduced definitively that the US personnel were hardcore Salman loyalists given that they would not allow SRK to gate crash the American party. The Zoom reporter speculated on which Sallu camp-follower in the Homeland Security had managed to slip SRK’s name into the ‘exclude’ list. The Zoom reporter reassured the viewers that Sallu Bhai’s contacts are just as Dabangg as he is. The US security personnel were undoubtedly inspired by Chulbul Pandey’s callous attitude towards civil liberties.

The Zoom report went on to suggest that Suzanne Roshan who is in the Sharukh camp has pulled strings in the South Block in order to influence SM Krishna. SM Krishna promptly did the bidding of the powerful first wives club of Bollywood that includes Gauri Khan and Suzanne Roshan. Zoom’s exclusive sources revealed behind-the-scenes discussions between the club and Krishna. According to sources close to Gauri, the first wives told Krishna “We’ve seen many a temperamental celebrities, who routinely pick fights and habitually apologize.  US Customs has also merely mechanically apologized.  The first women insisted that the US apologize to SRK in Vivek Oberoi style – groveling with folded arms on a public platform.

When questioned about the veracity of the report the Zoom TV editor proudly claimed that “Our entire world-viewed is coloured by the Sharukh-Salman tiff. As long as there are warring Bollywood camps, there is order in the universe”.  Asked to comment on the war on terror, the Zoom editor pooh-poohed it, dismissing it as a media-creation. “People live in a make believe world” he said, shaking his head in disbelief.

Zoom TV viewers also pleaded ignorance when it came to the war on terror and claimed that the only war that they were aware of was the Khan war. “We appreciate the insightful analysis of the Zoom TV which offers a camp-based perspective of key national issues”, one viewer said. Critics also lauded the continued coverage of the Salman- Sharukh spat by the channel for years on end. “Considering the short attention span of the media, the unrelenting focus on the issue by the channel is indeed remarkable. This is especially true because media fatigue has set-in with regards to this issue”, one critic said. The endless follow up of the story demonstrates the channel’s commitment to increasing its TRP, the editor remarked.

A rival channel, while refusing to comment on the analysis said that the US personnel were “true Roadies”.


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Bilawal Zardari bemoans Indian media’s paparazzi culture

Bilawal Zardari who is in India on a private visit, has tweeted complaining that the country’s entire media fraternity had succumbed to the paparazzi culture. Bilawal was taken aback by the intense media scrutiny of his family’s pilgrimage. The Indian media bombarded the viewers with non-stop special coverage of the visit fueling hopes that the 60 year hostility between the two nuclear rivals will be settled through small talk with pilgrims over lunch.

As the media split hairs on the details of the private visit, the viewers tore their hair apart. The pilgrims are also said to have made page 3 party goers jealous with the amount of gratuitous coverage they received. The page 3ers vowed to visit assorted pilgrimage destinations at the earliest.

The Indian foreign ministry has also become a paparazzi accomplice as it revealed details of the luncheon menu, leaked photos of the luncheon hall and tweeted about the embroidered detailing of the sofa on which Bilwal was to be seated. The heir apparent was apparently deeply embarrassed by these revelations.

“Man, which country hosts a meal for a 24 year old and has no beer? Worse still they shared the beer-lacking menu with the whole world. Its also on Faceboook. What would my fun loving friends at Oxford make of this? ”, the disappointed Bilawal is said to have told his inner circle. Indian officials at South block have countered this, saying that the menu was decided jointly after months of back channel talks as well as many confidence and stomach building measures.  The issue of the most favoured beverage was close to intractable the officials said, as the food tasters of the neighbouring country were religious zealots keen on sabotaging any alcohol-based ties between the two countries.

As the puppet leaders of the two countries addressed the media, the prince was turned into a prop. Bilwal hung around in the background, ostensibly inviting the Indian paparazzi to capture his handsome, youthful profile as he blinked incessantly like a dimwit. Bilwal, who’s barely out of school, alternated between attention and stand-at -ease positions as the two leaders spoke, not quite knowing what to do.

As the powers behind the thrown skipped the meeting, the luncheon was reduced to wazirs, babus and princes. Bilawal is said to have been genuinely perplexed as to why the Indian media sought tit-bits from this meeting of besieged puppets who could barely survive in their respective countries, let alone radically change the Indo-Pak equation.

Contrary to media expectations, the crown prince-on-crown prince talks at the luncheon between Rahul and Bilawal lacked bonhomie. While their advisors bickered over which prince could claim the mantle of the youth icon of South Asia, the two princes fought for the title of South Asia’s most desirable bachelors.  Simi Garewal was unavailable for arbitration between the two countries.

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Rajasthan Police recruits fiction writers from the Jaipur Literature festival

Rajasthan Police has decided to hire fiction writers from the Jaipur literature festival to author fictitious intelligence reports on imaginary assassins that would drive away authors, artists and thinkers from the country. The Rajasthan police earnestly asserted that it was their responsibility to keep the streets of India free from controversial ideas, prevent thought crimes and create space for violent opposition to contrarian ideas. The Rajasthan police acknowledged that the literature festival offered a skilled talent pool for hiring writers who could potentially fabricate intelligence reports.  

Speaking to the media, a senior Rajasthan police officer Vichitrakatha proudly claimed, “We are streamlining our hiring process as we need a continuous source of talent to fabricate stories. Rajasthan Police is becoming a model for similar recruitment drives across other states. With this sort of talent we might even be able to move up the value chain and start registering fictitious FIRs”.

When questioned by the media on the concocted intelligence reports, the incensed officer retorted that it was his constitutional right to release reports that tragi-comically contort reality. While citing the constitution Vichitrakatha declared that the freedom of expression of the police is sacrosanct. He vehemently protested against any curbs on false reports. The officer called on the media to defend unto death the right of the police to release fictitious reports even if the media did not agree with the reports. The officer also hinted that he had the staunch backing of the political establishment as these fictitious script writers are absolutely essential to script farcical electoral victories by catering to imagined vote banks.

Sources informed the media that the recruitment favoured writers of the genre of magic realism. “Magically creating assassins out of thin air requires some imagination and talent. Moreover, our specious reports are at once both fantastical and real, therefore magic realist writers fit well with our requirements” confirmed Vichitrakatha. The officer also announced that a 50% quota is being given to writers across religions whose sentiments are easily hurt.

Some cash strapped states are also considering recruiting currently unemployed Ram Gopal Varma script writers. These writers who have the macabre imagination to conjure up assassins with underworld links are being considered as a secondary source of low cost talent besides authors. These script writers have the added advantage of being dialogue writers which is a skill that can be used to rouse the passions of assorted groups that have dangerously inflammable emotions and others that are prone to bouts of unexplained violence.

Elsewhere, the Indian government registered its protest in foreign capitals against the very existence of comedians, contending that their very presence hurt the delicate sentiments of Indians.

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Mayanomics: UP elections special

Oh its plainly obvious, haven’t people seen through the Maya? Well, I admit it is difficult to see through the grand conspiracy of the statues when it is all covered up. Maya, the Election Commission and the Planning Commission are all reading the same maya mantra. While one might think that they make for strange bed fellows, one must understand that this is all maya, beyond the comprehension of the ordinary hapless citizen.

The Planning commission, for its part, figured that it should never let megalomania go to waste. What better way to stimulate the bust economy than to cover up busts? They figured they’d take the economic figures several notches higher by covering up the figures both literally and metaphorically. What are these figures but Maya? And once those statues are themselves maya, they will work their maya on the figures. One Planning Commission insider said “We should use Maya’s ego massage of epic proportions to massage the economic numbers”. He continued “Only such maya mantra will magically draw back fleeing foreign investors”.

Paul Krugman, the noted Nobel prize winning economist, remarked “This is a deliciously absurd twist to neo-Keynesianism. It’s taking the proverbial digging-ditches-and- filling-it-up philosophy to greater heights by building statues and covering them up”. Statues are built to stimulate both the ego and the economy. The covering of the statues merely completes the economic cycle of egotism.

A close aide to Maya remarked “The initial plan was to fly in designer ware by glitzy high fashion designers in planes chartered solely for this purpose”. However the EC lodged its official protest, claiming that such fancy urban designer draping would violate the model code of conduct.

So it was that the Maya and elephant statues were covered with the finest handloom draperies. All this expensed generously by the Planning Commission in conjunction with the Election Commission. Exquisite zardosi and chikan work were used to delicately drape the statues in finery. The sculptures were topped with rich embroidered brocades. Large shamianas that were used to hide the hide of the elephant statues created artificial shortages for weddings and other festivities, thereby having some inflationary impact in the wedding economy. The cover-up exercise proved to be a veritable boon for local artisans and the handloom industry in general.

For Maya’s part, the rich fabrics doubly enhanced the appeal of statues adding a mystical maya-like allure to them. It now held the charm of the unseen and the irresistible pull of a game of hide and seek. Maya and the EC have woven a spell of fabric, the famed maya jaal. Hidden from view, the statues revealed more of the party’s intentions and its determination to persist with its sculpting manifesto.

Nevertheless, the statue draping exercise is the coming together of high fashion, high finance and high politics. The trifecta of highness specially designed to spin a maya jaal around the citizenry.

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Cloud Computing

The seemingly affable young missionary reiterated well-known facts, “Like all religions, it has its trinity”. He spoke about the infrastructure that fathered the phenomenon, the many sons that redeemed us from the curse of constant updates and also spiritedly spoke about the holy platforms. All this to save souls from massive upfront investment. Not to mention how this would help our souls easily scale greater heights.

The young missionary, his head in the clouds, contended that the cloud was the answer to all prayers and the prayer for every problem. Having heard this, the earnest choir boy was on cloud nine. Come rain or snow or any other conceivable form of precipitation, the pious choir boy muttered “cloud cloud”, in all and sundry context. Others conjectured that it was advisable for everybody to loudly chant cloud platitudes, just to fit in.

Then there was the enthusiastic evangelist. His take on the issue – the small churches peddling this new religion need to scale whereas the well-established mega-churches need to become more agile to accommodate these new beliefs. “That’s where we come in and help them”, he said. His vision is anything but clouded, I thought in admiration.

Are you a believer? You ask. I was a convert long before there was a hint of drizzle. Then we met the sagacious atheist.

The sagacious atheist had a sunny disposition but when we met the sky was ominously overcast with thick grey clouds. “It’s Thin Client in a new avatar”, the atheist said. ”I‘ve seen such cult fads in different avatars in my lifetime”, he continued. As the atheist munched on his breakfast, he breezily dismissed the new religion, as easily as he dismissed the waiter.

The atheist continued – the commoners might embrace the religion but without state patronage, the new religion will not help the churches. It is the states that can make it rain cash for the churches. Dark clouds have gathered in the horizon when it comes to the question of preserving state secrets and state control. Not to speak of the question of the state’s established religion. The atheist said that he didn’t live in cloud-cuckoo land. The cloud is no rainmaker. The believers were so shaken, they seemed to cloud up. Their enthusiasm vaporized. The whole phenomenon was under a cloud of suspicion, at least rain-wise.

I for one did not worry about whether the clouds are rain-bearing.  The silver lining to the cloud was that it has in its own way helped humanity’s inexorable march towards greater progress.  I looked heavenward and said a short thank you prayer as I gazed at the clouds.

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AT&T’s failed bid to buy T-Mobile*

Two beloved friends of mine, Atta Bell and T. Maybelline called off their engagement recently.

Atta and Maybelline had been seeing each other for some time. Maybelline is of German ethnicity. Her German parent seems to want out of the parenting relationship! That’s where Atta comes in. Atta comes from old money, the Bell family’s heritage is well known. The Bell family though has had more than its fair share of splits and happy re-unions. But that, as they say, is history and of little relevance to the issue at hand. Atta was in it for some worthy assets, which explains all the wooing. Atta needed the assets to better serve his brood who sometimes blame Atta for dropping the ball when it comes to serving them.

Atta and Maybelline’s union though faced stiff family resistance from big daddy Doj and big brother F. Sisi. In the end it was a trust issue really…or rather the anti-thesis of it. Doj insisted that he had to keep the interests of the family in mind – the entire brood of hundreds of millions. All these happy unions seem to come in the way of the brood’s options, doesn’t it?

Atta fought for almost 9 months to keep the future of their relationship alive. Atta boy! many said to Atta. But it sure proved to be too difficult to dodge Doj. It was tata to Atta’s relationship. There was some break-up alimony involved…..go figure! The break-up fee was a whopping $3 billion, not to mention important assets, all worth a cool billion.

So what options does Maybelline have? Some have suggested that if poor Maybelline isn’t courted by anybody she will turn into a zombie. Her afterlife prospects are poor because she isn’t ready for the high speed world to come. She doesn’t even have an Apple a day, which explains her present health. But ever the optimist I assured Maybelline that she would find a way. Some other suitor perhaps? Good friend Atta will also have to deal with this. In the meantime, Atta’s rival Veronica, also a friend of mine, has been creating waves by sealing the deal with many a cable cousins.

Whatever their future, we have all sworn to help our friends Atta, Maybelline, Veronica, Skippy and the rest.

*Views are personal

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